The Mad Real World: Wale

Rangerbob is back to keep it real, mad real. Well, sorta. This time around, rangerbob does this Eminem circa Relapse thing (ooooh, shots from within the same blog post! Whatchu know ’bout post-modern beef, son?!?!) of talking about child molestation and dick-slapping. He also reveals a sweet crush of Lady Gagantuan proportions, an abhorrence of puns, and a penchant for spilling science. Oh yeah, and he goes in on blog-rapper, Wale.

Hello children. In today’s installment, we’ll be discussing everyone’s favorite irrelevant MC, Wale. Now if you’re from this particular rapper’s hometown, the District of Columbia, and were offended by that, I would simply pose the question: why aren’t you more worried about getting stabbed by a pregnant crack whore that someone has clearly attached a saddle to? Or, what those d-bags in suits acoss town are going to do to your neighborhhod in the name of gentrification. (That’s right kids, cheap shots in the form of pseudo social awareness. SHEA!)

So the most notable thing that Mr. Olubowale Victor Akintimehinhas has done was a verse on the last track on The Roots album, “Rising Up (Rising Down)“. You know when you’re listening and say to yourself “That’s not Black Thought”? Which is usually great and possibly opens you up to something new.

But theres a problem. Hes just not that good. Terrible? Hardly. I’m not actually disgusted in anyway (like when I found out about my brother’s involvement in a donkey show held in Joe Biden’s house). Which is saying something since I am constantly consuming hate and broken dreams every day of my life. Ruining someone else’s day is the only thing that gives me a break from the inevitable: mediocrity. Unfortunately, our friend Wale falls under such a category. He’s not bad enough for me to lay down a verbal dick slap. But not interesting enough for me to take a shot in the mouth and dick ride off into the sunset. Though for the sake of informed analysis, here we go ……

We’ve got the single “Chillin.” Great name kid. No one’s done that before. But I digress. Now, notably Lady Gaga is on this song. MISTAKE. Any rapper should pass on this colaboration unless you’re Bow Wow since only younger women buy his albums. And not the most interesting, intelligent ones at that. (Yes, I’m a pretentious hateful prick, you didnt know?) But on second thought, maybe Gaga is blowin’ him. (There’s a quote for ya). Just sayin, if that wig-clad white Lil Kim wanted to get into a confined space with me while in costume I’d have to be a bonafied short-bus rider to turn her down. But nonetheless the lyrics still aren’t that strong. “You say you got a lotta whips. Well I got a lot.” He’s dick measuring with a flacid penis. Its like a 5 year old arguing about whose dad can sexually assault the other (wait, did i get that right? Whatever). His counterpoint is blowing blunt smoke in the Bermuda Triangle with Amelia Earhart. Also, “disc jockeys jock me.” Cute. I can definitely see Weezy mumbling this through the codeine while dribbling on himself before he passes out on a bed of money which he had shipped in from the treasury. Call up on drank bitches.

Now notice, if you bounce from single to single or even video to video (the aforementioned “Rising Up (Rising Down)” and “Chillin’” or the street track, “Nike Boots,” or the the mixtape single, “The Artistic Integrity”) Wale dresses according to the apeal of the song. Dude plays the part like a single mom doing porn. As in he always comes at you from a different angle in an attempt to appeal. I’d like to slap him with the “keeping it real” card but unfortunately I can’t because I know what the term “marketing” means. He probably just doesn’t wanna sell malt liquor and porn at the quick stop to devils anymore. I know I don’t.

Now I was also gonna count all the pop culture references and name-drops but I really am just that lazy. I’m surprised I’m even wearing pants right now …… I think he might owe Busta money though …… and brownie points for Bun B in the videos. Gotta get celebrity endorsements, it’s like he’s running for president. Chillin’ in DC flashing prints of money on the screen so you remember to give him your’s. Classier than a working girl in clear heels. Beautiful.

Oh by the way, playing sound clips from Seinfeld doesn’t make it a themed mixtape. Look at any punk album from the last 20 years, or the band graf orlock http://www.myspace.com/graforlock (enjoy 2 pac in a cross hair) . They kind of over do it. Novelty? Yes. Awesome? like a big bittied tranny holding a tub of ice cream on Christmas Day. Thank you Jesus.

Something else caught my attention. He definitely uses the terms “bitch” and “ho” in “The Artistic Integrity” (and yes feel free to suck up the irony like a fat kid with a slurpy. Or like choir boy in a priest’s office. Or like me on a Thursday night behind the speaker at a club for a free drink ticket and a bump. Take your pick). But then he says “light skinned women.” Did we all just meet the real life Uncle Ruckus? Son of a bi*ch…

But in reality, most the things I could bother to point out are basically typical. So no big whoop, right? Its like me trying to have a coherent conversation with a tweaker who’s offered me a line of coke in exchange for a CD while yelling at me about Black Sabbath and I’m at work listening to Malcolm X recordings looking for new crap to paste on a wall. But nonetheless hes just another cat doing his thing. Take or leave it really. Every genre has these dudes. A part of it all but probably wont ever be all that relevent.

But real talk, I am uninterested enough to place my testicles in a meat grinder just so J can feel something while taking a listen. JAM ON IT.